November 29, 2022

Mother Nature Pooing On Herself

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Have we as a society gone completely over the edge or are we still hanging on by a thread? Yesterday, the Washington Post ran an article titled, “Wildlife Waste Is Major Water Polluter, Studies Say“, about how wild animals are polluting our waters by refusing to use the porta-potties supplied by government officials.

It may have come as a shock to some people to realize that the old question that is asked thousands of times as day, “Does a bear ______ in the woods?” is actually true and so do deer, moose, birds, lizards, fish and hippos.

Since the beginning of time there has always been animal poo and some of it ends up in the watersheds too, boo hoo. What? You didn’t think fish had to go poo? Even Nemo had to go during that long movie but before you get too upset over it, they flushed that part so as not to disturb the children – ages 2-92.

What is so ironic about this entire poo-poo thing is that once again, man is creating the poo-roblem. No, we aren’t feeding our animals lots of bran and veggies. No, we are becoming so overpootective of our animals there are just too many of them and not enough portable toilets.

Remember a year ago when hurrican Katrina ravaged New Orleans? Did you see the waste that was left behind when thousands of humans congregated in one area with no place to dispose of the waste?

The same principle can be applied in this case with the animals. We we allow hundreds of ducks and geese to take up residence in city ponds, poo runs rampant. This is true for all other animals that we don’t want removed from our living areas – deer, bear, fish, etc., etc.

So what do we do? Oh, poo-robably nothing because too many Americans would rather not have clean water than to do anything that would inhumanely upset the morning bathroom habits of our wildlife poopulations.

While we’re on the subject, there are far too many dogs in this country too. Just think of the poo they deposit on a daily basis. Not every foo-foo cleans up the poo-poo left behind by the poo-dles.

There is hope though, really! There is proof that at least some of us haven’t gone completely over the cliff. Today, The American Daily has a guest column by Julie Kay Smithson called, “Poo-Tectors of Wildlife“, which very punny and seriously pokes fun at the environmentalists, animals rights groups and others as to how we need to handle this “stinky” mess. It is a direct humorous rebuttal to the seriousness of the WaPo piece. Here’s a sample.

To that “end,” the question is bound to “come out:” “What kind of goods and services will be needed to stop all the wildlife from defecating and polluting the world’s lands and waters?

It is certain that entremanures will want to scoop up this opportunity, since time is, as they say, a’wastein.’

Imagine the market for such diaper delights …

The next question that begs answer is, “Who will volunteer to doo-doo — or be assigned — the dirty job?”
That’s an easy one: An estimated “countless” idealistic contributors and members of Defenders of Wildlife, the World Wildlife Fund, The Nature Conservancy, Sierra Club, and other “visionaries” will be rushing out to empty the shelves! Few should enjoy this more than “deep ecologists,” who can be in it up to their elbows! Perhaps college students and other youngsters being “environmentally educated” could be persuaded to join the party, although their parents would first be required to sign hold harmless waivers before turning little Johnnie loose in the woods.

Too, too funny! Now you’ll think differently when someone asked, “Does a bear ____ in the woods”?

Tom Remington