What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

The Boston Herald has what some in this world would call an “article”. I think calling it an article is pushing the lower limits of literacy considerably. Howie Carr, idiot extraordinaire, thinks he’s also a comedian. Perhaps he could make a better living as a comedian because he’s not a writer. Then again he’s not a comedian.

Carr goes after hunters, doing everything that he can to paint the worse case senario of the bad hunter. The problem is he goes way over the top. He made his point in the opening paragraph, as crude and disgusting as it was, but feels the need to further insult and ridicule all hunters while spewing forth his obvious hatred toward hunters and hunting in general.

Hot damn! Shotgun deer-huntin’ season starts in these here parts Monday morning, and what in tarnation will any red-blooded, pickup-truck-driving, Budweiser-swilling toothless good ol’ boy be doing come Monday at dawn but tracking Bambi, or, failing that, Bambi’s mother?

And you thought I was exaggerating didn’t you! Oh, but Carr then tries his best to “tone it down a bit” by showing his complete ignorance by using a statement any pretend writer/comedian could use.

Look, I have nothing in particular against hunters. I just like to make sport of them once a year.

What this overweight, biased, two-fingered, keyboard-pecking moron does is then carry on about all the dumb things hunters have done causing accidents. Like any uneducated fool, he spans the country and Canada to find stories that make all hunters look to be drunken, bumbling idiots. Here’s some of his examples he uses.

Mississippi – A 16-year-old Diberville high school student was killed by his 20-year-old stepbrother. The game warden lectured: “Know your target before you shoot.” I’m guessing they knew each other.

Maine – A teenage hunter in Penobscot County shot off his toe and part of his left foot last weekend when, according to a press report, the 17-year-old decided to double check the gun to see if it was empty. It wasn’t.

New York – A 49-year-old hunter in Livingston County was shot in the back by a member of his own shooting party who mistook him for a fox.

Kentucky – Two youths near Williamston were wounded Sunday after a hunter fired at a rabbit and the teens were caught in the line of fire. No charges were filed against Elmer Fudd. The wascally wabbit escaped.

West Viriginia – A 44-year-old hunter climbing into his tree stand on the first day of deer-hunting season Monday slipped and was left dangling for six hours, with a broken leg and severe hypothermia, until his father-in-law discovered him. The worst part of it was he couldn’t even reach his beer.

Minnesota – A 14-year-old hunter was killed by a 45-year-old who mistook him for a deer. The dead Nimrod was wearing blaze-orange hunting pants and coat, and a camouflage baseball-style cap. Haven’t you ever seen a deer in disguise?

Utah – A 27-year-old Box Elder County hunter accidentally shot himself in the chest while crossing through a fence, according to a local TV station. Fence one, hunters zero.

Illinois – A 79-year-old man and his German shepherd were found shot to death inside his car parked alongside a road. The two were preparing to take their daily walk when a hunter opened fire on the car. According to a TV reporter, the hunter says he was shooting at a deer. A deer with four wheels and headlights, apparently.

Ontario – A 60-year-old woman wearing a red turtleneck sweater in the woods was gunned down by a hunter who mistook her for wild game. A week earlier, the dead woman had called the Provincial Police after a close call by another trigger-happy Nimrod.

Wisconsin – A 19-year-old was killed by a hunting buddy who mistook him for a deer. When he went to the location, he discovered his friend had been shot. How many more, Mr. Speaker? How many more must die?

His ending is the tell-all.

I could go on, until a half hour before sunrise Monday morning. But you get the picture. Watch yourself. Elmer Fudd is in the woods. He’s armed and most likely, he’s also drunk.

Perhaps if I or someone with lack of teeth, brains or sense and sensibility penned an article about newpaper columnists. It might look something like this.

It’s morning again, so BEWARE! Newspaper columnists have invaded the inside sections of your newspaper. What would any half educated illiterate want in buying a newspaper or magazine containing bits of biased drivel from some snot-nosed, overweight, unshaven, unkempt, whiskey drinking, plagiarizing so-called writer who doesn’t have enough brains to know which end of a gun a bullet comes out of.

All writers are the same and most are perverts hiding behind the guise of a keyboard looking to get free handouts at political and social functions around town. They are all socially retarded and have no sense of fashion. There’s always coffee and powdered sugar stains all up and down the front of their ratty sweaters or on their neckties.

Let’s look at the list of tainted writers and what is sure to prove that all of them belong in the same classification of just bad people and more importantly, dangerous with a pen.

New York – A writer for the New York Times gets top secret leaked information from someone inside the Pentagon. A story is written based only on what the leaker says and it threatens the lives of our soldiers and national security. This guy is so entrenched in his sport job, he really thinks what he is doing will win a Pulitzer.

Lebanon – Writers and photographers knowingly use “photo shopped” pictures to embellish their stories and promote their personal agendas of further tainting the Bush administration while at the same time falsely accusing the Israelis of killing innocent people. Newspaper writers are like modern day movie makers. They have no orginal material to use in holding the interest of their readers so they have to manufacture stuff using special effects.

Los Angeles – A newspaper columnist admits to stealing his story from material gathered by another writer. It must have been the whiskey swilling that forced him to do it.

I could go on 24/7 because a keyboard never rests but beware. Somewhere out there is a total slob who hasn’t had a shower in days. The grease and oil is dripping from the end of his hair. His fingernails are black with dirt. He’s looking through piles of all Life magazines in hopes of finding some material he can “reuse” to write another work of fiction in which he will claim as truth while hiding behind the lie that he can’t reveal his sources out of protection for them and more than likely, he has had way too much coffee to drink, has eaten another dozen donuts and has pee stains on the front of his pants. (Have I mentioned yet about the Constitutional right guaranteed a newspaper writer? Of course the First Amendment can’t be changed to adapt to the changing society we all live in but to all writers, the Second Amendment needs to be changed.)

But really, I have nothing against newspaper columnists. I try to treat them as much like human beings as I can.

Maybe Mr. Carr should follow his ilk, like John Kerry, and get into some of those poses with a shotgun in his hand. That way he can show the world, as did the candidate John Kerry, that he is a total moron.

Tom Remington