February 7, 2023

Shout Vewy, Vewy Loud!

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In a news article found at the Wareham Week in Massachusetts, about learning to deal with black bears, a wildlife biologist was quoted as saying:

An adult black bear can grow to 150-200 pounds.

…if you ever find yourself face to face with a black bear, you should look as big as you can, make a lot of noise, and back away slowly.

An adult black bear CAN grow to 150-200 pounds. They can ALSO grow to be over 700 pounds. If the advice when you encounter a 150-200-pound bear is to look as big as you can, make a lot of noise and back away slowly, what is the advice when you meet up face to face with a 700-pound black bear?

Perhaps carry a step ladder with you so when you meet up with this giant of a bear, you can look big by climbing the step ladder. Hint: Paint the ladder some common color like the color of human clothing or flesh. Avoid red as the bear may mistake it for blood and become even more aggressive. Or you could just put a pair of your pants and shirt over the ladder. Better yet, just make a giant cardboard cut-out of Freddie Kruger, Harry Reid or you spouse…but don’t tell them I said so.

Once safely behind the giant cardboard cutout, do as Elmer Fudd would do and shout VEWY, VEWY, loud. If possible call to a family member or friend and have them first ask, “Can’t we all just get along?”, followed by several renditions of “We are the World”, or “Kumbaya.” Avoid the theme song from Jungle Book.

With implementation of these two methods, I’m sure there will be no need to “back away slowly.” You may have to repair your lawn where the bear dug his claws in to escape your threat as fast as he could.

Warning: Under no circumstances should you attempt to harm this bear….even if it is chomping on your face. The bear has rights and feelings. You must consider that the bear was here first and we are intruding on his turf and basically……YOU PISSED HIM OFF!