December 3, 2023

“Rare” Bear Encounters Too Numerous To Mention

Ah, yes! The experts (cough, cough) say bear and human encounters are rare – rare as compared to avoiding mosquitoes in the dense northern forests in the springtime. Those of us in the know now realize that bear encounters are really not all that rare, and thus this leaves us wondering whether any advice the “experts” give us is worth a bear’s drool.

Regardless, here we go with another round of “rare” bear encounters.

1. A northern Minnesota man perhaps had his life saved when his pet dog was killed trying to fight off a black bear.

2. But wait a minute! This “expert” says dogs can cause bear attacks. Gasp!

3. Even though bear encounters are “rare” say the experts, the same experts seem to have an awful lot of advice on how to avoid becoming a meal for a hungry black bear. One “expert” says to clap your hands and whistle (“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow!). And oh yeah, “throw things.” I suggest about a 180-grain hunk of lead traveling at about 2,500 feet per second. But something is missing from this advice. What could it be?

4. In Arizona, a bear wanted to get into the campground host’s trailer in the worst way. The campground was closed and a trap set up. Didn’t the host make enough noise and, ………?

5. In Bangor, Maine, a jogger encounters a bear on a running path. HOWEVER, I can’t say much about someone out for a jog, is told there is a bear and cubs ahead and yet runs on up to “get a look.” Because it happened in Maine, it must be because of the “millions of pounds of donuts” hunters have piled up in the woods.

6. With all this “expert” advice on how to avoid encounters with bears and what to do if you do, when you have this information mastered, then think about what this guy (expert?) says when he tells readers that you have to understand bears, like Timothy Treadwell – who, incidentally was eaten alive by grizzly bears. He also says we should run away from bears instead of backing away slowly. He says pepper spray them or shoot them with a gun….you know, throw things at them.

But with all this advice, remember, above all else,

LOOK BIG! Even if it is only on “rare” occasions.


Shout Vewy, Vewy Loud!

In a news article found at the Wareham Week in Massachusetts, about learning to deal with black bears, a wildlife biologist was quoted as saying:

An adult black bear can grow to 150-200 pounds.

…if you ever find yourself face to face with a black bear, you should look as big as you can, make a lot of noise, and back away slowly.

An adult black bear CAN grow to 150-200 pounds. They can ALSO grow to be over 700 pounds. If the advice when you encounter a 150-200-pound bear is to look as big as you can, make a lot of noise and back away slowly, what is the advice when you meet up face to face with a 700-pound black bear?

Perhaps carry a step ladder with you so when you meet up with this giant of a bear, you can look big by climbing the step ladder. Hint: Paint the ladder some common color like the color of human clothing or flesh. Avoid red as the bear may mistake it for blood and become even more aggressive. Or you could just put a pair of your pants and shirt over the ladder. Better yet, just make a giant cardboard cut-out of Freddie Kruger, Harry Reid or you spouse…but don’t tell them I said so.

Once safely behind the giant cardboard cutout, do as Elmer Fudd would do and shout VEWY, VEWY, loud. If possible call to a family member or friend and have them first ask, “Can’t we all just get along?”, followed by several renditions of “We are the World”, or “Kumbaya.” Avoid the theme song from Jungle Book.

With implementation of these two methods, I’m sure there will be no need to “back away slowly.” You may have to repair your lawn where the bear dug his claws in to escape your threat as fast as he could.

Warning: Under no circumstances should you attempt to harm this bear….even if it is chomping on your face. The bear has rights and feelings. You must consider that the bear was here first and we are intruding on his turf and basically……YOU PISSED HIM OFF!