December 14, 2017

Undercover Intelligence Agency Discovers Trump Smoking Gun

The secret intelligence community at TomRemingtondotcom, as unearthed what is surely the smoking gun that will get President Donald J. Trump impeached, if not executed by lethal injection. The RIA (Remuit Intelligence Agency) has obtained documents that prove that on March 3, 2003, while exiting his limousine in front of Hillary Clinton’s house, he farted. The RIA has sworn statements from the limo driver and a passing pedestrian riding a sidewalk surfer, that Trump’s fart was really rank and unbecoming a future U.S. president.

This is a breaking story. I’ll bring you more as I get further updates from the RIA.

Stolen Fake Photo

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Hat tip to the Base Camp Bugle:

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Addendum –

TOM REMINGTON: Anyone who actually thinks a chicken understands why it crossed the road is an animal pervert.

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Will Maine Face Another Baiting Ban?

Maine’s Warden Service is attempting to find out who is setting out bait sites – buckets filled with human waste – in locations around Farmington and Wilton.

A rumor has been circulating throughout Cyber Space that a group of staunch conservatives plan on launching a referendum vote to ban the practice of baiting for liberals. A spokesman for one group, who wished to remain anonymous, said the practice was inhumane and that, “It is a despicable practice that requires the liberals to remove the tightly sealed lids to get at the bait. Because liberals have no thumbs or seriously deformed thumbs, getting the lid off is next to impossible. We have discovered liberals are starving.”

Another spokeswoman, also wishing to remain clueless anonymous, said that, “…the use of bait to attract liberals eliminates all forms of fair chase and is inhumane. That makes some of us feel bad. If this practice is not stopped immediately the conservative affiliates will act unilaterally and commence stealth drone attacks against the democratic headquarters.”

When asked why they would attack the headquarters of the liberals they appear to be wanting to protect, the clearly irate spokeswoman declared, “We are trying to educate the liberals. They want to stop violence by banning guns, we think we can stop liberal baiting by getting rid of liberals.”

WasteBucket

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Council for Lupine-American Relations Seeks Legal Help to End Use of “Lone Wolf”

“We lone wolves do not like being associated with criminal acts. Can’t the media use phrases like, ‘by themselves,’ ‘solo,’ or ‘separate’? Why do they have to bring ‘lone wolves’ into it? Just because we don’t prefer the company of other wolves, doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.

Since the 1980s, we’ve been laughed at for getting hungry. Now we get scorned for being alone. There is nothing wrong with being a loner. How would you feel if every extroverted criminal was called a “social butterfly”? Doesn’t feel good, does it, butterflies?

We condemn media bias against lone wolves, and demand that reporters cease and desist with any mentions of us. If the media can banish the word ‘Redskins’ from the lexicon, surely ‘lone wolf’ will also be done away with.”<<<Read More>>>

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Stupid Video: Obama Assassination

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Free ObamaPhones and Free ObamaGuns

Satirical Photo

obamaphones

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New-History History

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New Species “Black Bear Crow” Will Count Deer in Maine

Yesterday we learned that in one Maine community, “public education and a careful monitoring program” helped to solve problems with black bears. Now that we know that black bears can be educated in our public schools, a rumor has surfaced that a Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife bear biolo-jest, whose community the bears were educated, has successfully cross bred a black bear with a crow. He calls it the black bear crow.

(* Editor’s Note: A reader sent me the above photo with the inane notion that black bear crows might be used to count deer in Maine. The suggestion coming the result of my previous blogs wondering why many other game species in Maine have a definite number attached but not the white tail deer. I went with his suggestion and expanded the insanity just a bit more.)

The story goes that this biolo-jest knew that crows are very intelligent creatures; bears a bit on the dumb side but loaded with brute strength. He fathomed that combining the brute strength with the intelligence of the crow, he would end up with a very strong and smart animal.

But what good would such a creature be?

In his first attempt, his cross-breeding gave him a specimen similar to the photograph above but being that it ended up with a bear’s head and brain, it was too stupid to fly. Something needed to be done. That’s when the biolo-jest came up with the scheme to send bears to his local community’s public school and get an education.

Fearing that if his bear got too smart, he would run away, once the bear learned his ABCs and how to count, he yanked him from the classroom and then cross-bred him with the crow and ended up with a flying bear that could read and count.

But what good would such a creature be?

The biolog-jest thought and thought and recalled reading my article I wrote about why, after Maine spent money with helicopters, they hadn’t provided sportsmen and Maine citizens with a population count of their precious deer. That’s when he came up with the idea to train the black bear crow to fly all over the state and count deer.

In the biolo-jest’s first attempt at using the black bear crow to count deer, he gave explicit instruction to the animal on what to do. After a test flight over the Maine Animal Park, the black bear crow returned with a count of 42 deer. The biolo-jest knew there were only 5 deer at that time in the park and couldn’t understand what the problem might be. He considered that perhaps the black bear crow learned enough to realize that he was working for free and that the other biolo-jests got handsome pay and excellent retirement benefits, but that didn’t seem likely.

After some serious thought and recruiting help from the commissioner, they were able to determine that the black bear crow was counting every animal it could see, not just deer. The bear, during his bout with the public education system, hadn’t been taught how to differentiate between different species.

Fearing the black bear crow would be treated differently in public school than the bears, being of mixed species, the biolo-jest opted for a private tutor. At first the biolo-jest thought of Bill Clinton, thinking he would make an excellent person to teach the black bear crow how to identify species, at least male and female. But he realized that probably a man who wasn’t sure what the word “is” is, might not get the job done.

After countless hours of research on the subject, the biolo-jest was talking to his neighbor about his dilemma. The neighbor’s 8-year-old son overheard the conversation and suggested that he could teach the black bear crow species identification. Baffled, the biolo-jest and his neighbor looked at each other with blank expressions. The boy explained that he had a video game where first you had to identify a species before it could be shot in simulation.

Within two weeks the black bear crow could spot a deer faster than the head deer biolo-jest at the MDIFW. The problem for the biolo-jest was not now being able to get the black bear crow up off the couch and go to work.

The biolo-jest took his black bear crow, who he named Aldo, to work one day and made his presentation to the commission, the Joint Committee for MDIFW and the governor’s office, to use Aldo to count white tail deer. He guaranteed an accurate account and that it would be done within one week from the time he started; at a cost of only $1.6 million……..per flight.

MDIFW will begin counting deer using the black bear crow this winter but on the condition that none of the data be released to the public.

The governor is setting up a task force to see if there isn’t some data that could be released to the public. They will provide the results of their research to the governor on or before August 1, 2018.

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Explaining the European Union Debt

A good bit of satire here! It will help to get your blood flowing.

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The Environmentalist

Thomas Sowell wrote: “People are all born ignorant but they are not born stupid. Much of the stupidity we see today is induced by our educational system, from the elementary schools to the universities.” He also said that one of the problems with education today is that what our educational institutions were created for, “to pass on to the next generation the knowledge, experience and culture of the generations that went before them….”, have become indoctrination factories in order to promote, “whatever notions, fashions or ideologies happen to be in vogue among today’s intelligentsia.”

Education is a good thing. It’s what we do with it and how we use it that makes us the individuals that we are. Indoctrination is not a good thing. It doesn’t allow a person to think and reason, thus making them lacking in common sense or the ability to decipher fact from faction, even when it is staring them in the face.

Bill Cosby, arguably one of the best comedians ever with the uncanny ability to turn real life, everyday events in gut busting humor, once did a sketch about using cocaine. He was explaining about cocaine and the effects it had on humans. When he asked why someone did coke, the reply was, “Because it enhances a person’s personality.” Cosby’s sharp retort was, “What if you’re an asshole?”

Does education do the same thing?

If what you start with is the south end of a north bound rhinoceros, then supplement it with education you just might end up dealing with a very large rhino with a bad case of hemorrhoids. Somewhere along the line people have come up with the outlandish notion that education makes you a better person and worse, better than others. A ski coach I had in high school, who remains a very dear friend, once told me you can’t make a good tossed salad if the only thing you have is lettuce. Educating a head of lettuce still will not give you a good tossed salad.

America has reached a point it seems that much of Urban America is at odds with Suburban America. I’m no psychologist so this is where the “educated” can exit the page because I might say things that aren’t found in one of their books.

An example of what I am referring to is the demand of city dwellers that country folk learn to live with wolves and/or other large predators. The mindset, perhaps enhanced through indoctrination, too often shows us that Ms. Greedy Greenie thinks it’s only right that Shane Shatkicker suffer financial losses, risk of personal injury and loss of private property due to government-sponsored wolf and predator protection. If this is so, then in reciprocity it should be equal comeuppance that Ms. Greedy Greenie learn to live with 60 or 70 truck loads of manure each year dumped on her front steps that’s laced with echinococcus granulosus tapeworms, the result of her cute and cuddly wolf.

If only it were that simple. It’s not really. You see there’s a certain breed of people that thinks as Ms. Greedy Greenie might and if we can better understand what makes her tick, well, we can at least have fun with it because understanding it isn’t going to cause Ms. Greenie to have an epiphany and start shooting and eating wolves.

For sake of this diatribe, I shall refer to all those who want to control my life as an environmentalist. It’s kind of a catch-all word. The only real defining characteristic of the environmentalist is the degree to which they are mired in their radicalism. Some got it so bad they flog themselves believing that trees are in pain. They want to be one with the tree. I got news for them. They didn’t need to flog themselves. Trees are stupid and so is this kind of radical environmentalist.

There are however, the soft core environmentalist. These are, more than likely, the same ones who used to or still do attend National Training Laboratory’s human interaction workshops. This is where you “get in touch with yourself” by touching and feeling the other person’s body. Advanced classes cover such deep subjects that go to the heart and soul of a human. They ask them questions like, “If you were an animal, what kind would you be?” The ultimate therapeutic pinnacle is to achieve complete warm and fuzzy semi-consciousness.

Of course the overwhelming majority of those able to become an environmentalist have done so through educational cultivation. Although still in the data retrieving stages, some scientists believe that there is a direct correlation to the degree in which an environmentalist becomes radicalized and the depth of their education/indoctrination.

History has taught us that the environmentalist is compelled from birth to play out a dual role as the preservationist and the reformer. It is not understood if this is genetics or due to the kind of music the fetus was subjected too while in the womb. Before we can understand the roles of preservationist and reformer, it should be explained that the environmentalists see themselves as the center of everything that is morally right. It actually goes beyond that to them believing that they are the center of the universe. I would never say this to an environmentalist’s face for fear of the demonizing I would receive because I couldn’t produce an academic study to support my claims but I kind of see them as the eye of a category five hurricane. Only they never leave the eye and cannot see the destruction going on around them.

One day an environmentalist wakes up and decides, unknowingly, not to take a shower. Whatever has happened to them they are unable to waste this precious resource. Soon it carries over to every aspect of their life, including thoughts of sterilization so as not to pollute the world with more children. As you might have guessed, there are upsides to environmentalism.

After coming to grips with the fact they are no longer human in this aspect, their quest becomes the total reformation of the planet. We all HAVE to think and eat and live as does the environmentalist.

Being the eye of the hurricane, the environmentalist has to be in control. Feelings are important, especially feeling good. Remember the warm and fuzzy semi-consciousness? I’m referring only to the selfish need of feeling good. If that comes at the cost of another person’s life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, it won’t matter because the environmentalist believes themselves to be a Moirai.

What puzzles me however is that we know that environmentalists are self-centered and yet their world is a dichotomy of two quintessences – anthropocentricism and biocentricism. Anthropocentric thinking puts man managing our wildlife, our ecosystems and the environment around us. Biocentric thinking believes if left up to “nature” everything becomes another verse of Kumbaya. Being that an environmentalist is on the edge of the universe in all things, one would think they would simply have to control the environment directly. Not so! They want to let Mother Nature do it……….well, sort of. The secret is some believe they can control Mother Nature and others think they are Mother Nature. Odd isn’t it?

The environmentalist is the only one capable of setting all moral standards. You might think you have some morals of your own but trust me, they suck! Morally you, my friend, are no better than a rock, no smarter than a pig and have no more right to use your back yard to plant a garden than a herd of wild pigs just looking for a meal and a chance to be free. Why can’t I get Kumbaya out of my head?

That sage brush that infiltrates the lowlands of Idaho? Sorry, my friend. The environmentalist says you have no more rights than a pile of brush. You cannot bother the plants and animals because they have rights. I always figured if anything can sit down to my kitchen table and drink coffee, smoke a cigarette, fart and talk about football, they have rights.

The environmentalist must preserve everything. If they fail on their mission they simply cannot afford to pay their therapist bill to repair the psychological damage. Yes, preservation is of the utmost and to achieve that we must have diversity. Without diversity there is no stability and if we lose our stability there is nothing left for the children. The poor suffering children will be left with nothing. Cry me a river!

Diversity is often achieved through importation of species. To argue a species is not native is an effort in futility because the environmentalist, if not a “scientist” themselves, knows some that can create subspecies and all sorts of other goodies that all make wonderful sense to the minions of the environmental world.

The twisted thinking of the environmentalist leads them to conjecture that diversity is good, more diversity is better and the most diversity is the best because it makes our ecosystems, which aren’t really a system at all, stable. It’s kind of like reaching a climax where perceived stability achieves crescendo then we graduate from Kumbaya to a few verses of “The Greatest Love of All”. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson is dead.

To actualize diversity, stability, protection of animal’s and plant’s rights and to preserve for our children, may actually require the reduction of the human population. Nothing is beyond the realm of the environmentalist who is in it to win it. We could build one giant city the size of Texas and Oklahoma and move the entire world’s population there, leaving the rest of the world uninhabited but that wouldn’t be enough.

Referring back to the pending study about whether level of education is in direct proportion to the depth of environmental radicalism, if you are fortunate to be a biologist and an environmentalist, then you are the only one qualified to decide who lives and who dies. I think it was Daniel Janzen who once wrote that biologists were the only ones qualified to decide how anyone should use their land and who or what can live on it. Let’s get this straight because this confuses me. The seventh day God rested. So, it must have been somewhere around the 5th or 6th day that God got really tired. He created a biologist and told him he could create the landscape and decide things like where to put a lake, an ocean, a mountain and whether or not polar bears lived on ice or the jungle. Cool! The biologist must have been responsible for Algore. Or maybe I’m thinking engineer?

If you are a PhD, weeeellllllll! If you are a PhD environmentalist then you have told God to get out of your seat. Not only have you knighted the lowly one-degreed biologist to prop up Algore, a PhD scientist determines who is smart and who isn’t. This goes hand in hand with right and wrong, fact and fiction.

The PhD is all knowing and makes no mistakes. What they believe is truth. All other thoughts are wrong. Because of their indoctrination as an environmentalist, they lack common sense and actually believe tofu is one of the food groups.

But here’s the thing that environmentalists have done and they must be like really smart or something to do this. Environmentalists don’t have to live out in the country where they control the lives of those who do and make a mess of everything. It’s kind of like an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. This makes it much easier to fight off any thoughts that the people losing the livestock to wolves are actually real people.

They don’t want anything to do with it actually. Some of what they do, insisting on a preserved wilderness and a natural ecosystem, is because they’ve destroyed the one they live in now. They are riddled with guilt. It’s much better to create this nirvana of pristine wilderness in their minds and it eases all the pain. Somehow it will make up for it all. It’s really much the same as an alcoholic. “There stands the glass that will ease all my pain!” (Webb Pierce, 1950)

The environmentalist has been indoctrinated to live in parallel existences. Their everyday existence enjoys the benefits of a cutthroat lifestyle that provides them money (for their lawsuits) and everything else they should be shameful for, while at the same time can lay claim to owning a pristine wilderness, at the expense of other human beings. If the environmentalist so chooses, they jump in their SUV, drive 8-10 hours and do a quick drive through their favorite park and rush home and tell everyone how great they are and fortunate that they care enough to have such things. There’s more warm and fuzzy feelings had they stayed home and watched reruns of Barney on Sesame Street.

It’s very much like owning a dog. No, really! Remember when chihuahuas were cool? Everyone ran out and bought one for status. Then there were golden retrievers, Newfoundlands, wolf hybrids, etc. Got to have one to look cool but toss it away when the fad is over.

Right now the environmentalist thinks it pretty cool to destroy the lives of others so they can have a “backyard” they can call theirs to play in. And they can do that because they are educated. They once began as assholes, tried a little of that cocaine fix- education – and enhanced what they started out with.

We are all born ignorant but not stupid. What makes us stupid is what we do with the education we have. I can’t help if you are nothing but lettuce.

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