November 23, 2020

Does My Dead Deer Offend You? Too Bad!

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There was a day when you were expected to parade your deer around town so everyone could see it. When word got around of “the big one” being weighed down at the local tagging station, men, women and children hustled as fast as they could to get a look before the proud hunter headed home to hang up his catch. Even the family dog came along and got in a lick or two of some fresh deer blood.

What got me thinking about this was an article I read the other day about some bone-headed politician who decided that a new law in North Dakota requiring hunters to cover their kills was in order. There were no complaints mind you. This guy just thought it would be a good idea. You do realize that these politicians are kind of like beavers only not so smart and not nearly as ambitious. A beaver cuts down trees and drags parts and pieces to wherever the water is running because they have to. God intended it to be that way, otherwise where would he have put the good brook trout? Politicians, you see, they introduce new laws because they have to. God intended that to be the way too, otherwise what else could we do with politicians except use them for alligator bait. Someone told them once that if you want to be remembered in the future, you need to have a long list of bills that you introduced to the Congress. Rep. Duane DeKrey has made his mark.

What’s fair is fair, right? If my dead deer in the back of my pick-me-up truck offends people, that’s fine. So because life is fair (ha ha) I get to pick out something in our society that needs to be covered up because I just might find it offensive. That’s only right, isn’t it? This could really be difficult because you see I’m a fussy old coot and I find a lot of things bother me, especially the older I get. So to do this right, I’m going to make a list of about 20 things, in no particular order, and see if I can get it prioritized. I only get to pick one, which is too bad. I could do a lot of good.

Here’s my list:

1. We must require all fat women who wear short tops allowing their cellulite, stretch-marked mass of gut hang out, to cover up.
2. Black make-up is out. Cover it up, please!
3. Ugly dogs must wear full body shields.
4. Rings, studs, nuts and bolts and whatever else sub-humans decide to stick in their ears, tongues, lips, eyebrows, must be covered. What they wear under their clothes, I could care less. Just don’t show me. I’m deeply offended.
5. Two people of the same sex holding hands or showing any form of what I consider unnatural affection. (This is all about me, right?)
6. KIA automobiles and all those boxes on wheels.
7. No more SUVs on highways. They block my vision. And it’s very offensive that I can’t afford the gas to put in one.
8. No using cellphones in public. It offends me for a number of reasons. a) I don’t give a rats behind about hearing your lame conversation. b) I don’t like your ringtone. c) If find watching you weave all over the road, especially when your driving directly at me, offensive – say nothing about scary. d) While we’re on the topic of cellphones, the ear pieces and microphones must go. People who wear and use them look so ridiculous, it offends me.
9. Clothes that don’t fit. Sorry, can’t dress like that in public. I am offended looking at some dude’s ass and dirty boxer shorts while he runs around playing with his crotch – Deeply offensive! Deeply!
10. Dirty hair must be covered. Sometimes I think the cooties are jumping from one dirty head to the other. I find having to de-lice every so often because people are scum buckets, oppressively offensive.
11. Smokers in cars. I find the cigarette butts out the window offensive. This is quite disturbing.
12. No one is allowed to cover their faces with scarfs etc., unless your zits are so bad it makes me want to vomit. Not being able to tell who you are or for that matter what you are is oh, so offensive.
13. That reminds me! We need gender police. Anyone who is not easily recognized as being either male or female, must wear an identifying sign. It is really offensive to ogle after someone’s behind, only to learn it was not what you thought it was.
14. NO ABSOLUTELY NO, LYCRA ON FAT PEOPLE!!!! Need I say more?
15. No turbins around the head. I find those terrorists deeply offensive when they murder my friends.
16. No speaking a language I don’t understand. It’s hard to go into the local gas station and ask a question and get an answer that sounds like, &$%*@!%$#^*&$@&! No wonder men still can’t follow directions.
17. Pets can’t relieve themselves in public. Do you understand how offensive that is to see a dog humped up on the sidewalk right in plain view?
18. No poorly manicure lawns. What’s the matter with people. I find I travel down only highways, streets and avenues that have nicely manicured yards. Spending the extra money on gas is offensive. Junk in the yard if offensive too, unless of course it’s an old yellow school bus. That’s what I live in.
19. People who just look stupid must cover up. You know who you are. Gosh, I find that offensive.
20. Liberals – Can’t have anymore of them in public. Oh, you might want to know how I can tell the difference? I know. I can see it in your eyes, the way you walk, the way you dress, even the way you talk. No more of that. I’m so offended.

Well, there are 20 of the things that I will have to put in order of importance to me. If I got to cover my deer because it offends Mr. DeKrey, then it’s only right that I get to pick something.

Maybe you can help me. I’m sure I left some things off this list. Let me know and let me also know which ones bother you most. I know I left some things off because I am so troubled, so saddened and offended, I just couldn’t bring myself to put them down in writing.

If I’ve offended you with my list, add it to your list so that in a real short time, there will be nothing left that any of us can do because living is offensive. Kinda like “paying it down”.

Tom Remington

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