March 22, 2023

I Was There! No, Really, I Was

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I was sitting here thinking again. I was recalling poor Hillary when she was nearly shot down. That was before “What Difference Does It Make.” And I was considering the mess Brian Williams has gotten himself into over “misremembering” which helicopter he was in that wasn’t taking on sniper fire or artillery. Today we learned that it seems that Williams told people a few years ago that he was at the Brandenburg Gate when the Berlin Wall came down…and he wasn’t.

This got me to thinking and trying to remember all the places I was at when important world events took place. I figure I had better refresh my memory just in case I get a call from the New York Times or NBC Nightly New seeking an interview. I don’t want to screw up.

I don’t think my being in the Patriot’s locker room with the old man taking care of Tom Brady’s balls, rises to the level of a “WOW” event. It was really nothing at all..well until Brady’s wife came in. So, let me see if I can remember others.

Did you know I was supposed to receive a Grammy Award for my rendition of Wolf Howling Blues, but Kanye West took it from me. What’s with that guy?

I missed the Berlin Wall coming down but I was there when Bin Laden was shot and killed. I was waiting in one of the helicopters. We sustained direct hits from 35 rocket propelled grenades, but somehow managed to get out of there only to face 13 days in the desert due to an horrific sand storm. Maybe it was because that chopper I was in was named, “Lone WOLF.”

Oh, yeah. You know that photo that Al Gore used often for his global warming scam of the polar bear clinging to a remnant of ice? I was there. No, really I was. I was behind the bear. The bear used was a tame bear and I was with a polar bear tamer and 6 other specialists crouched down behind the bear to make sure he didn’t run away. I gave the bear the hypodermic needle that calmed him down. That was pretty cool.

I was on “The Grassy Knoll” where liars claim the shots came that killed Kennedy. Those sounds were me shooting my brand new cap pistol Daddy had bought me for my birthday.

I did an interview with Japanese foreign affairs minister Mamoru Shigemitsu aboard the U.S.S. Missouri just minutes before he signed the Japanese Instrument of Surrender. It’s a good thing I was there because he was about to jump ship and refuse to sign the treaty. I talked him out of it. I just said, “What difference does it make?”

But my real “WOW” moment came when I doubled for Charles Lindbergh and became the first man to fly nonstop from New York to Paris. I was so embarrassed because I had been up in that plane for about 35 hours with no sleep or toilet facilities. I had urinated in my pants and soiled them heavily. Those French people hauled me out of that plane at Le Bourget Field in Paris, and I know they must have gotten shit all over their hands.

Walking on water was a close second “WOW” moment, but I know you wouldn’t believe me.